Learning how to spot healthy & unhealthy relationship behaviors can help young people form safe, rewarding partnerships and friendships.
Trusted adults, especially parents and caregivers, are an important part of this process. To learn more, keep scrolling or select a topic.
“Dating” can feel like a loaded word for parents and caregivers.
Did you know? Dating relationships . . .
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There is no one “right” way to date or be in a relationship. Dating can mean seeing someone, getting to know someone, going on dates, or hooking up. All of these are valid ways to talk about your relationship with someone else!
It’s important to talk openly with the person you are seeing about what the relationship means so that you are both on the same page.
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Lots of people meet online, through social media, or while gaming! Treat online relationships like any other relationship: focus on building trust and strong communication. Try talking clearly about your expectations with each other to build a healthy relationship that works for you.
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Not everyone is interested in having sex or trying other types of physical contact (including kissing, hugging, or holding hands).
Everyone is different, and there are no rules about when you “should” be ready for a physical relationship! It’s important to communicate what you’re comfortable with and what you’re not ready for.
Some people identify as asexual, meaning they aren’t interested in certain types of physical contact, including sex. Being asexual doesn’t mean you can’t engage in romantic relationships or be physical in ways that fit your needs.
Setting rules and expectations about friendships and dating at home
Every family has their own expectations and boundaries, especially when it comes to friendships and dating! No matter what your family’s are, talking to your child about how they should be treated and paying attention to who they spend time with can help them maintain safe, rewarding relationships.
When setting rules or expectations around relationships and safety, young people like to understand why. Sharing your experiences and talking about how boundaries can help keep them safe may help them understand. It may also be helpful to discuss how setting rules can help them have a positive dating experience, now or in the future.
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Setting a curfew so if they need a ride back, someone will be able to pick them up.
Getting the phone number of their partner’s caregiver to call in an emergency.
So, how can you tell the difference between a healthy and an unhealthy relationship?
Keep an eye out for green and red flags!
Green Flags
They set and respect boundaries together
They respect each other’s pronouns and sexuality
They are open and honest with each other
They balance spending time with other friends
Your child feels cared for and valued in the relationship
They share equal responsibility with their friend or partner
They feel relaxed and trusting with their friend or partner
Learn more: one love
Red Flags
Controlling or insulting each other’s appearance
Makes excuses for the other’s bad behavior
There is a large gap in their ages or developmental stages
“Love bombing” aka intense or overwhelming displays of affection
Intense jealousy or possessiveness
Constant texts or calls
Decreased interest in activities or interests
Learn more: one love
Sometimes, unhealthy relationships can become abusive.
Learning how to spot abusive behaviors is an important part of helping your child keep themselves safe:
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Physical abuse doesn’t always cause pain or injury (like a cut or bruise). In addition to physical attacks (like hitting, pushing, kicking, or choking), physical abuse can include:
Throwing items at or near you
Scratching or biting you; pulling your hair
Preventing you from leaving or forcing you to go somewhere
Grabbing your face to make you look at them
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People of all genders and sexualities can experience or use sexual abuse. Sexual abuse isn’t always violent/forceful and includes any behavior that influences someone to do something sexually that they don’t want to do. In addition to unwanted sexual contact (like kissing, touching, hugging), sexual abuse includes:
Using unwanted sexual language or sexual insults
Pressuring or manipulating someone to have sex or perform sexual acts.
Sexual contact with someone who is unable to give consent (because they are intoxicated, asleep, or unconscious).
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Verbal abuse includes non-physical behaviors, like threats and insults.
Calling you names or putting you down
Yelling or screaming at you
Threatening to harm you, your pet(s), or people you care about
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Emotional abuse includes non-physical behaviors intended to influence or control behavior. Examples of emotional abuse include:
Embarrassing you or starting rumors about you, either online or in person
Stopping you from seeing or talking to friends and/or family
Discouraging you from embarrassing your identity (gender, sexuality, race, culture, religion, etc.)
Damaging your property (throwing things, punching walls)
Being overly jealous or protective; accusing you of cheating
Threatening to share your personal details, like your sexual orientation, gender identity, or immigration status
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Digital/cyber abuse is using technology and social media to intimidate or control a partner. Examples include:
Telling you who you can or can’t follow or be friends with on social media
Looking through your phone or tracking your location without permission
Sharing personal messages/images with others
Demanding access to your social media accounts
Constantly texting you or making you feel like you can’t be away from your phone
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Reproductive abuse impacts a person’s ability to control reproductive methods or choices. Examples include:
Refusing to use condoms
Making you start or stop using birth control, STI protection, or abortion services
"Messing with" your birth control or protection
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Financial abuse includes behaviors that influence or control your money, your ability to make money, or how you choose to spend your money.
Examples of financial abuse include:
Offering to pay, then making you feel guilty or like you “owe them” later
Stopping you from going to school or work
Always asking you to pay for things
Monitoring what you buy
Getting you fired by harassing you, your employer, or coworkers
Learn more: love is respect.
Concerned that your child’s relationship could be unhealthy or abusive? Start here:
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Take a deep breath before acting, and try not to get angry. This is an opportunity for them to build trust and learn about healthy relationships.
Before sharing your concerns, remember that your child won't always see the same red flags you do. For this reason, it’s important to stay in the loop about who they’re hanging out with and how they’re being treated.
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“I love you and I’m here to listen”
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Try to understand their perspective and experience
“How does it make you feel when?”
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I want you to feel ____ in your relationship, but when I see _____, it makes me worried that _____.
Ex: I want you to feel happy and secure in your relationship, but when I see your partner ignoring your texts when they’re upset, it makes me worried that it’s making you unhappy.
Plan the break-up. People can act unexpectedly during a break-up. If your friend wants to break-up with their partner in person, suggest that they do it in public or close to friends/family, so they can get help if they need it. If your friend is afraid of how their partner will react, encourage them to break-up over the phone. That way, they’ll be physically safe. Either way, ask your friend to let you know when they plan on talking to their partner so that you are ready to support them when it’s over.
Pay attention after the break-up
An abusive partner is more likely to lash out after a break-up. This could look like: calling repeatedly, showing up unannounced, contacting mutual friends, or posting private photos and messages online. If any of this happens to your friend, suggest that they block their ex and share what’s happening with an adult.
Make space for healing
It takes time to recover from any relationship ending, especially an abusive one. Encourage your friend to create an emotional safety plan. This could include spending time with friends/ family, and planning activities that will make them feel good.
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Encourage them to explore this website or other resources like Love Is Respect. You can also help them make a safety plan to take care of their physical and emotional health.
Learn more making a plan to stay safe here: love is respect.
What if my child tells me that they’re being hurt by a friend or partner?
Your first instinct is probably to get your child out of the relationship as quickly as possible. Unfortunately, efforts to make this decision on your child’s behalf could isolate them further.
The best support you can offer is to be there without judgement when your child needs you, trust that they are capable of making their own decisions, and take care of yourself so that you can support your child during and after their relationship.
Remember, helping someone in an unhealthy or abusive relationship is a marathon, not a sprint.
If your child does decide to leave their relationship, here’s how you can help:
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Leaving a relationship is hard, even if it’s the best thing to do. Be supportive, validate their feelings, and remind them that they are not alone.
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People can act unexpectedly during a break-up. If your child wants to break-up with their partner in person, suggest that they do it in public or close to friends/family, so they can get help if they need it.
If your child is afraid of how their partner will react, encourage them to break-up over the phone. That way, they’ll be physically safe. Either way, ask your child to let you know when they plan on talking to their partner so that you are ready to support them when it’s over.
Learn more: Should We Break Up? (Love is Respect)
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An abusive partner is more likely to lash out after a break-up. This could look like: calling repeatedly, showing up unannounced, contacting mutual friends, or posting private photos and messages online. Let your child know that if any of this happens to them, that they can share it with you and you will be there to help.
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It takes time to recover from any relationship ending, especially an abusive one. Encourage your child to create an emotional safety plan. This could include spending time with friends/family, and planning activities that will make them feel good.
Learn more: love is respect.
How can I tell if my child is hurting their friend or partner?
Learning how to be in a healthy relationship is a process! Sometimes, young people can hurt their friend or partner without noticing. To better understand how your child behaves in relationships, try asking:
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Do you feel the need to text them for frequent updates on what they’re doing and who they’re with? If they’ve shared their location with you, do you check it frequently to see where they are?
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Everyone should feel equal and appreciated in their relationship. Encourage your child to think about the last time they spent time with their partner. Did your child decide where to go or what to do? Was their partner as excited as they were? Suggest that your child focus on what their partner wants to do and how they would feel most appreciated.
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Your child can set boundaries about things in their life like their belongings, their family, their body, or their mental health, not someone else’s.
If your child always has to convince their partner to do things or ever asks them to do things your child knows their partner is uncomfortable with, your child is not respecting their partner’s boundaries or feelings.
Learn more: love is respect.
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This could be a sign that your child feels a need to control who they’re partner spends time with.
Awareness is the first (but not the last) step to changing behavior.
If your child recognizes these behaviors in themselves, it not your fault as their parent, and you can offer support. To start, encourage your child to…
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Text "LOVEIS" to 22522 to talk with an advocate from Love Is Respect. The Love Is Respect hotline can be used anytime, not just for emergencies. Advocates are trained to recognize and respond to signs of unhealthy relationships and can help inform your next steps.
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Talk to them about what healthy relationships look like and come up with a plan together to change their behavior.
That may be finding a way to better manage anger, jealousy, and anxiety. It may be best for them to step away from the relationship for while to protect the mental and physical wellbeing of both parties.
This may also be a great time to talk to their doctor.
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If your child’s partner consents, encourage them to apologize for their behavior and share how they plan to change. If their partner doesn’t consent, that’s when it’s time for your child to step away and focus on changing on their own.
Still have questions? Check out our FAQs!
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There is no right or wrong time, every adolescent and family are different. Romantic relationships are an important part of development in adolescence, but young people differ greatly in when they become romantically interested and how romantically active they are. First romantic relationships typically happen around 14-15, but differ based on culture, region, religion, and sexuality.
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Parenting is incredibly important to protecting a child from becoming a victim and raising them to be a protector, not a perpetrator. Research has shown that the children who are violent online or in-person to their partners often lack good communication and warmth at home. Caring parenting is important to teaching young people how to effectively handle conflict and express difficult emotions.
Make your home a safe space for your child; they may be more likely to come to you if they ever feel unsure or uncomfortable about a friendship or relationship.
Ask their opinion when making decisions and set rules around friends and dating as a family; they may be more likely to follow boundaries they understand.
Talk to them about age-appropriate ways of showing affection and ways to handle complicated feelings like anger and frustration; they may be more mindful and prepared in the future.
Make sure you, your family members, and other adults in your child’s life know the signs to look out for and who to call if they ever have a concern about things they see or hear.
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Yes, young people in the LGBTQ+ (Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender, Queer, +) community are more likely to experience relationship abuse than heterosexual couples. Often their experiences are overlooked or downplayed because it’s not a cisgender man hurting a cisgender woman. But LGBTQ+ teens can experience unique types of abuse like:
being outed without their consent or intentionally misgendered
being made to feel ashamed of their gender identity or sexuality
being isolated from others in the LGBTQ+ community
Queer teens who experience relationship abuse like this are at even greater risk for depression, anxiety, and suicide, especially bisexual and transgender youth.
Dating as a queer teen can be hard, especially if they don’t have friends or role models in the community to look up to. That’s why it’s extra important to make sure your teen knows how to spot unhealthy behaviors and knows how to get help from someone or somewhere that will accept them.
Learn more about supporting a child who is coming out and find LGBTQ+ friendly resources here.
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Young people with parents who experience any violence from a romantic or sexual partner, are more likely to experience relationship abuse at a young age. Those whose parent experienced frequent partner violence are 7 to 9 times more likely to experience sexual abuse in their own relationships than children of parents who experience infrequent or verbal abuse.
This doesn’t mean you’ve done something wrong or that your child will experience relationship violence. The best way to protect your child is to talk to them, teach them how to notice unhealthy behaviors, and make sure they know you will be there for them without judgment if they ever need help.
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Many parents have experienced unhealthy and abusive relationships; you’re not alone. You are never required to share your experience with your children. Everyone heals at a different speed and sometimes opening up can make healing harder, so it’s okay to prioritize yourself.
If you feel like your child could benefit from knowing your story and you feel ready to share, take it slow, and take care of yourself. Set the expectation that either of you can stop the conversation at any time if it feels like too much to handle.
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